The History of Southern Shores

Written by: Thomas Buttesthorne

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As we of Southern Shores have been preparing to celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary, the task fell to me to research the history of our glorious Province, and present it to you today.

I gathered together various historical documents and compiled an official history Southern Shores. After trying to read though it and not fall asleep and failing several times, I came to the conclusion that our glorious land could not have such a dull history, and that there must have been a cover-up. Shure enuff, digging deeper, I found a musty old scroll with eighteen inches erased! I knew I was on the trail. After many nights deep in the archives, I completed what I call

"The True (but official) History of Southern Shores"

--- Much of Southern Shores' history is shrouded in the mists of time. When it began, no one knows, but the most reliable evidence places it around back around AS V, during the reign of Arglebargle the Fourth (or somebody else) --

The Word came down from the Mists, Land of the BoD, "Go ye out into the world, to the very ends of the Kingdom, and let them be known." And the King sent out His messengers to the hinterlands to found Provinces and Shires. And among these lands, one shone out above the rest. All its people were noble and comely, and the King (Somebody) looked upon this land and was pleased.

"I shall call thee Southern Shores, which means Land of Blue Water and Clean Air." And it came to pass that Southern Shores did flourish and prosper. And in those days was Paul. And Paul was not a Duke, nor was he a Count, or even a Knight; he was but a poor shepherd.

And the King came unto him and said, "Lo, I have spread beforee thee a land of milk and honey, a fair place of blue water and clean air..." But Paul did interrupt Him at this point, having heard this description of his land many times before, and said, "O King, what wouldst Thou have me do?"

And the King said unto Paul, "Thou shalt build for thy Province a pavillion, so that the populace might shelter themselves from the elements. And thou shalt receive the 'Golden Bye' so that thou mayest avoid the turkeys in the first round." "How shall I build this pavillion?" asked Paul.

And spake the King, "Go and find puissant fibres, woven by the gods while angels harp, of motley colours azure and Or. Find in the woods great trees, and hew them into poles for this pavillion. "But where shall I find the marvelous cloth" "Go to our cousin to the North, the Scotsman, Fabric MacWarehouse."

So Paul went forth and did carve from the living forest poles of great virtue and strength. And with much haggling and the use of a good sword he did persuade MacWarehouse to part with the wonderful fabric.

Thus, with the help of the gods, did Paul build the "True Pavillion". And the sun shone down and the birds sang and the people rejoiced and feasted and ...other things too scandalous to mention.

And so Paul did receive the 'Golden Bye' and shunned the turkeys in the first round, and did become a Knight and then Count and Duke. And many peaceful years did pass...

until AS XIII, when storm clouds did gather, a time of portents, when a seagull was seen, not the pure white noble bird which the happy people had taken as their emblem, but a black seagull, coal black as a raven that feasts on carrion. From over the sea came Viking raiders in strange silver-winged craft, and the innocent people of Southern Shores did unknowingly welcome them, pineapples and all. And they did spy out the lei of the land.

Then one day the strangers did proclaim overlordship by their clan. "What is an Oahu?" the puzzled Southerners did ask, "or a Radnor, or a Wombat?" And a mighty battle was fought in the fields of Milpitas (which means land of odoriferous skies) wherein the Southerners did fight bravely, but were overwhelmed. But the time did pass, and soon the new overlords were assimilated. No one would admit to being and Oahuan, and pineapples fell out of fashion;

Cowboy Bob's Jungle Juice was but a nostalgic aftertaste. So it seemed that peace had come again. But then Budweiser cans, like motley mortars, came homing in from the north. Linda of the Lakelands and Ermantrodt assembled and decided that this was fishy. They scoffed at Westermark's claims of mental assault. "After all," they said, "that would be unchivalrous! Attacking an unarmed foe! None shall thus accuse us!" But alas, the Westermarkers poured southward, their mugs frothing at the lips, and all seemed lost.

Then late one night, a beggar boy, lost in the woods, came upon the weathered beams and faded cloth of an old pavillion. While the lad slept in a corner, a vision of a huge man with three red stars in bend upon his chest appeared. The vision said to the lad, "Go forth unto your Seneschal and say unto her that if Southern Shores shall muster men of true heart they shall surely prevail."

And so the beggar went to Linda of the Lakelands and told her of his vision. Fair Linda fell into a faint, for he had truly described Paul, who had disappeared into the Land Beyond the Rainbows and was by now at least a saint. So the battle was engaged, and the sun shone forth upon the fighters of Southern Shores, while Westermark was rained upon. And upon the hill a single shaft of light shone upon an old, tattered pavillion, before which stood a dark figure that smiled at the carnage below.

The outcome of the battle remains in doubt to this day, as the list of war points was misplaed at the revel. But peace came again, Bud cans were recycled and turned into revenue, the people did rejoice and feast upon the lamb and the stoat and the breakfast cereals and fruit bars and orangutans... etc.

And so, my friends, that is the true history of Southern Shores. It is my hope that now the truth is known, spurious rumor merchants will cease to spread their lies and pay heed to the legend that

"When Southern Shores is threatened, there appears on a lonely hill, an old pavillion of blue and gold..."

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