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The ALBATROSS
April 1983
Words from the Werelord
Normally, I know, I try to keep this column light, cheerful, and largely frivolous, but this month I have two weighty matters to discuss. And it's all your fault.
First, it has come to my attention that some of you, who shall go unnamed for the moment, are remaining in human form out there on the battlefield. After all the work we've put in on this, you cannot imagine how the sight distresses me. Where I should see war, I see instead a lot of candy-ass parrying, dodging, and feinting. I cannot begin to describe the pain this causes me.
When I was just a young changeling in the Carpathians, I read the novels of Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley. In a white-hot flash of inspiration, I knew at once the ideals of my future life, and ever since, I have done my best to live down to them. But now I see them threatened everywhere by the veneer or civilization and codes of conduct unbecoming a son of the Carpathians.
I want to see slavering. I expect to see jaws snapping. I demand to see the comforting glare or beady red eyes. We’re talking frothing, foaming and howling here, lords and, ladies. There is nothing more exciting than to charge into battle, on either side of you a friend and comrade with hairy palms.
However, every form has its place. I earnestly beseech all of you to remain in human form during Court. I have noticed that court heralds in particular are made anxious by the sight of fangs up close. Therefore it is fitting that during such ceremonies we conceal our true aspect.
Speaking of which, I must take this occasion to a shriek of outrage At a recent court, I was called up before Their Majesties to receive the Queen's Order of Gentle Life and Breeding (QUOGLAB). Whoever it was that released the rabbits at that moment, IT WAS NOT FUNNY. I will never forget the look in the Queen's eyes when she looked at me, the broken bunny in my Jaws, and said, "Never mind."
Let me tell you, it was the most painful moment in my life, and whoever is responsible, you will pay.
Next month I will get back to the light tone. Topic: fun with hamstrings. Until then, see you at the next full moon!
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